Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Election's Over. Time to Laugh and Laugh and Laugh Some More

Last week in my comments on how three San Francisco Chronicle columnists dealt with the aftermath of the election, I said that, in general, Joan Ryan was the one of those columnists I would most like to have coffee with based on their personae in their respective columns spun out over time .

In the course of those remarks I misspelled the name of Chronicle columnist Debra J. Saunders -- which could suggest a simmering attraction but probably not. Checking out the correct spelling on sfgate.com, I discovered the Big Page O' Chronicle Columnists. Boy, there are a lot of them -- 49 in all, with a link to Sports, where their numbers cloud the sky like the migration of the Passenger Pigeon.

Singling out just one of them for coffee talk kudos is like major league baseball giving out a single Golden Glove for all the fielding positions. It misrepresents the nature of the game. And when you consider that limiting the pool of possible prize winners to extant columnists is to lose the historical context that is necessary to a full understand of the essence of excellence in column writing ...! I mean, think of the Chronicle columnists from just the last 20 years that are no more: Charles McCabe, Adeline Daley, Stan Delaplane, Herb Caen, Steve Rubenstein, Art Hoppe, Alice Kahn, Susan Parker, Lowell Cohn, Adair Lara, Stephanie Salter, Glenn Dickey, Tom Fitzgerald, Jerry Carroll and, of course, the great William Tecumseh German. (Also, there was the chess columnist. What was his name?)

For an award to have meaning, all these grand old fish must be pried off the wall and thrown back in the pool of eligibles.

With all this mind, I give to you the ballot for the First Annual Count Marco Pantheon of Chronicle Columnistic Excellence.

Vote early. Vote often.

Which Chronicle columnist would you most like to:

* have a beer with?
* share a bong with?
* have a one-night stand with?
* have a long weekend with?
* love, marry, divorce acrimoniously and hide your assets from with ?
* be marooned on a desert island (considering the fact you might be rescued and you just know the darn columnist will write about it so you don't just want accuracy, you want sympathy; in fact, I think we can dispense with the accuracy) with?
* repopulate the world after a nuclear holocaust (which could be depressing so I would pick someone jolly) with?
* discuss your 401k with?
* cater a bris with?
* knock over a liquor store with?
* operate a liquor store with?
* go bowling with?
* tear down Bush yard signs with?
* stuff a turkey (i mean in the company of, not actually forcing them inside the body cavity) with?
* sing a duet with?
* have a threesome with?
* listen to a gospel quartet with?
* bite Phil Bronstein on the foot with?
* have a tattoo of on your keister...with?
* tell knock knock jokes with?
* piss and moan about things until the bus comes with?
* make a cunning set of pillow slips to give your rumpus room a whole new look with?
* sit silently until the feeling goes away with?

You may suggest additional categories. I believe we are just scratching the surface.


G Pabst said...

Columnists I'd like to...

Drive cross-country with: Studs Terkel

Go to a ballgame with: George Will

Have buy me a drink: Herb Caen

Armwrestle with: Molly Ivens

Have ceviche and a beer with on the beach in Cabo San Lucas: (see much-previous post): Stanton Delaplane

Dissect the ego of: Walter Winchell

Donate my chin to: Dorothy Kilgallen

Talk politics with: Art Hoppe

"Bolt the bill" with at Gino & Carlo: Charles McCabe

Watch a ballgame and then make all the rounds with: Charles McCabe

Get a postcard from - from the "other side:" Charles McCabe

Talk to about his son, and why the kid dumped Angie Dickenson: Burt Bacharach's Old Man

Sit with and explain why I left Arizona, and why I'm glad I did: Don Dedera

Anonymous said...

My faves are

Joan Ryan -- so genuine, so trying to do things right
The Night Cabby -- I can relate, just love this guy
Bruce Jenkins -- he's solid and he is generous with credit for other Chron writers he admires
Larry Stumes -- good horse guy, even praised occasionally by Tashery of Lexington, KY, the world horse center
second and third tier sports guys who show up sometimes -- the Chron has many sports guys about to blossom

Anonymous said...

Chess columnist:

George Koltanowski.

Solution on tomorrow's Panorama page.