Sunday, July 30, 2006

Inside the Patrick Finley Memorial Fantasy Baseball League

I gather that all the rage in contemporary media is transparency; that is, news consumers want to know more about how news is gathered, by whom it's gathered, who edits it and who chooses what will be run and on what page or moment and under what headline.

Transparency. Ask for it by name.

Therefore, in the spirit of full access, I am going to take you behind the scenes of one of the most exciting times in the history of the Patrick Finley Fantasy Baseball League. I'm talking about the 72 hours leading up to the league trade deadline, which is the same as that of major league baseball.

Here's what I've put on the table:

To Mr. Brad Swift, who is languishing in last place, I am offering Mark Loretta, Johnny Damon and Bob Wickman for Tadahito Iguchi, Vladimir Guerrero and Rafael Betancourt. He'd pick up about four points and so would I.

Meanwhile, to Mr. Bob Wieder, who is sitting in third place, two places ahead of me, I am offering Javy Lopez, David Wells and Bob Wickman for Jason Varitek, Joel Piniero and Keith Foulke. He'd pick up about four points and so would I.

Now, at this point you may say. You are giving me facts that do not rise to the status of information because I don't know how you score in your little league or the current standings or anything else that would infuse with significance these words that mean one thing in the real world of baseball but something quite different in the artificial construct of your fantasy baseball league. I am not enlightened, sir. I am stumped.

To which I reply: That's my idea of transparency.

By the way, I bet neither deal goes down. As the league's BCL -- the Beloved Commissioner for Life -- I strive to make my deals fair. No one trusts a fair deal.

I promise you either or both of my would-be trade partners will end up trading with some mysterious Nigerian promising that certain major league baseball players, whose names you would recognize but who for the moment must remain unidentified, are now on deposit in a major Nigerian bank as a result of recent unexpected deaths/bankruptcies/palace revolutions and no legal claimant to rush them onto the field.

My Dear Sir:

Urgent and Confidential Business Proposal

I am Mariam Abacha, widow of the late Sani Abachi, General Manager of the Lagos Oil Plutocrats....

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